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Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey
with an onion?

A. A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

Q. How many Australian Shepherds does it take to change a light bulb?

A. First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Q. How many Black Labs does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Q. How many Border Collies does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Q. How many Golden Retrievers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?

Q. How many Greyhounds does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. It isn't moving. Who cares?

Q. How many cats does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

I lie belly up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be

Today I sniffed
Many dogs behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy - come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

The cat is not all bad
She fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

"Sherpei diem."

(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

Question for a dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."

Dog Trainer: "That's OK, he's a Boxer."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

- Mary Bly

Q. What happened when the dog went to
the flea circus?

A. He stole the show!

A dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is really happy to see you!

During break time at obedience school, Bandit and Bubba were talking. Bubba said to Bandit..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you'll never use in the real world.

Q. How many Pointers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I see it, there it is, right there...

Q. How many Poodles does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he's finished rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Q. How many Rottweilers does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Make me.

Q. What do you get if you cross a sheepdog
with a rose?

A. A collie-flower!

Q. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

A. He was trying to make both ends meet.

Q. Why do dogs wag their tails?

A. Because no one else will do it for them!

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

A. It doesn't matter what you call him,
he's not coming.

Q. How many Dachshunds does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. You know I can't reach that stupid lamp.

Q. How many Siberian Huskies does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Q. How many Jack Russell Terriers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Q. How many Cocker Spaniels does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet
in the dark.

Q. How many Doberman Pinschers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Q. How many Boxers does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Who cares? I can still play with my squeeky toys in the dark.

Q. How many Newfoundlands does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Newfs are not afraid of the dark.

Q. How many Chihuahuas does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Q. How many Old English Sheep dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Light bulb? I'm sorry, I don't see a light bulb.

Q. How many German Shepherds does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!

Q. How many Hound dogs does it take to change
a light bulb?

A. ZZZZZzzzzz.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do
for him?

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?! Because he's cross eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed to attend.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in this church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5000 is enough to donate for the services?"

Father Patrick replied, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The host at the door says, "I'm sorry, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The host at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher???"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The host says, "Come on in. I will seat you." The guy with the Chihuahua witnesses this and thinks, "What the heck." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk into the restaurant.
The host meets him at the door and says, "I'm sorry, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The host says, "A Chihuahua???"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua???"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children --- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Pets in the Book of Genesis - Joke Part I of IV

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unloveable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

Pets in the Book of Genesis - Joke Part II of IV

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased and Dog was content and wagged his tail.

Pets in the Book of Genesis - Joke Part III of IV

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

Pet's in the Book of Genesis - Joke Part IV of IV

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.

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